Written by: @kaliorbella
cover by: @kaliorbella
Showcasing my work for the first time was nerve-racking. It was nerve-racking because I knew I was offering a piece of myself through my art. I felt exposed, vulnerable. However, my small yet significant audience embraced me with their warm words. “You are talented!” “More people need to see this.” “Wow!” They protected me from the embarrassment that came with exposing a piece of myself. Those words made me feel I have something to offer, especially when I was struggling to appreciate my own art.
Even though every compliment I receive draws a genuine smile on my face, it is hard to keep that smile alive through my whole artistic process. If I’m honest, it is nearly impossible.
Nowadays, we see an infinite list of self-proclaimed artists in the internet, and that is amazing. Knowing there is a growing amount of people pursuing their creative journey is wonderful. However, at least in my experience, I feel many of us do not show the complete image of what goes on behind that piece you liked on Instagram, or the image you saved to your "Art" Pinterest board.
In the internet, inspiration is everywhere. We see all these colors, shapes and lines coming together to create a wonderful message while contributing to the image of the artist. Whenever I see a piece with messy strokes, high color contrast or the inclusion of youth culture in it, I do not hesitate to look more into it. I love that. I read the piece until my appreciation turns into questioning. “Why am I not as good as them? How do they manage to create something so wonderful? Why can’t I do that too?”
It gets worse, and it shouldn’t be like that. We should be inspired by what others create instead of comparing ourselves to them.
“Is my art even worth it? Do I have something important to share? Am I talented? Why should I keep trying if there are pieces like these out there?”
I end up throwing the phone to my bed and stare at the ceiling, frustrated with myself. Still, I try. I keep drawing, painting, sketching my ideas into a white canvas. I stare at it for a while, trying to find the beauty in it, but nope… nothing. I leave my desk, disappointed again. Okay, let’s try again. I grab the pencil once again and start moving my hand to the rhythm of my ideas. After spending an hour with my back screaming for me to stand up, I look at my work, realizing I have failed again. I am not satisfied with it: it looks so vague, so boring. The questions come again: “Is my art even worth it?”
Every trial pushes you closer to throw the pencil away.
Because I am so unsatisfied with my work, I don’t even want to try anymore.
Is my message powerful? Is my technique good enough? Do I have my own art style?
Oh…the art style. That word has been resonating with me for the last months. The freaking STYLE. For me, it’s been one of the biggest obstacles I’ve had in my artistic journey. Achieving uniqueness in our creations can be challenging. What’s even more challenging, is translating your persona into shapes, colors, and lines.
It sucks to be so unsatisfied with what you do. To constantly fall into the dark hole of comparison. To have exploding ideas at 3 AM, forcing you to write them down before you forget them. Just to try them out the next day and still being unsatisfied.
For someone with a fast pace of creation like me, it is hard to slow down in this long process of building myself through art. It might be like that for you too, and that’s okay. One valuable thing art teaches us is patience.
Frustration hurts. It makes you doubt if you should keep going or leave the paper blank. The whole artistic journey is not necessarily a pleasuring, beautiful process. It has hardships and obstacles every day and many do not see it. Because being an artist is not just being aesthetically pleasing, neither is it a personality trait… it is a long journey that can mess you up. It invades your mind with bitterness, but it can also be healing once you start exploring the deepest corners of yourself.
All there’s left to do is to keep trying. Keep drawing, painting, writing, sculpting, collaging… keep doing your own thing until you can appreciate your own work. Although I haven’t reached that point yet, I am still working hard for that. I am learning to appreciate other’s work without looking down on my own. Even though we feel frustrated, often close to giving up, we are still trying.